On October 29th, 2008, after waking up and meditating, I decided to write a chapter about non-duality. This resulted in the following conversation with God:
Dear God,
Yes Marie?
I would like to learn about non-duality.
You are welcome to learn about it on your own, my Child. To learn non-duality you don’t need me. A merge with God doesn’t happen through your thought, it happens through your heart.
At that moment I knew that the conversation was over and I started experiencing a full merge with God. First, it felt like the energy of my thoughts went through deep contractions. The same energy that caused these contractions pushed thoughts out of my energy field and I was left thoughtless, though aware of what was happening. I closed my eyes, leaned my head on the back of the chair, and sat like that for a while. When I opened my eyes, I looked at my body and realized that I felt no attachment to it. However, I also didn’t feel that it didn’t belong to me. It was just there. Even though my eyes could perceive the shape of my body, my consciousness could no longer differentiate between the “inside” and “outside” of it. Whatever was “I” a few minutes ago, completely dissolved in Nothingness.
This felt very uncomfortable and shocking. “Did I die?” was the first thought that came to me. The thought itself seemed to come from nowhere. “This is probably how it feels to be dead,” I continued to ponder. I then had a gap in thoughts which was followed by another thought: “Maybe I am having an out of body experience.” I looked at my body and realized once again that even though there was a body, there was no “in” or “out” of body any longer.
When the initial shock of self realization passed, I experienced an urge to return to life. “What is that which is experiencing this urge?” I thought. But stillness didn’t have an answer. Following this urge, I forced myself to go to the park, hoping to find the connection with my body and feelings through nature.
The first thing I realized as I started walking in the park was that neither time nor my body seemed to be moving. Nothingness was still, and consisted of a single, continuous moment. No matter how fast I walked, it felt as if I was marching in place and moving nowhere. Even though my eyes were recognizing shapes and colors, everything looked surreal - it felt as if somebody just made up the entire park, including the birds and the people in it. Everything seemed to be constructed on top of the stillness, which was connecting Everything into Nothingness. My body was merging with the air, which was merging with the water, which was merging with the grass, and so on. I realized that up to that moment I perceived the world as a painting with objects surrounded by negative space. Suddenly the ‘negative space’ in between the objects disappeared and became of the same importance (or unimportance) as the positive space. Each shape appeared to be continuing another shape and creating an endless puzzle of all that is.
I noticed that I experienced hunger. “What is that which is experiencing hunger?” I thought, not really expecting an answer. But the answer suddenly appeared from the silence: “There is matter to Shape, and I am here to experience it. This is the reason I am experiencing hunger right now.”
Then the epiphany came: “Nothingness wanted me to experience Life! Nothingness embedded in each of us the urge to be that which Nothingness is not. Therefore, it constantly encourages us to fully merge with our Shape by communicating with us through our senses. Nothingness is responsible for the urge to eat when we are hungry, to rest when we are tired, and to visit doctor when we are ill.” I suddenly realized that there is more to non-duality than non-duality itself, and without thinking much I called my daughter Lou and asked her to help me create “Marie” out of Nothingness.
The process of diving through Nothingness into the world of Shapes wasn’t easy, as there was nothing to create an experience from, and no one to experience it. I am deeply appreciative to Lou for her tremendous support and love, which helped me unite my “I am” and “I am not” parts.
As soon as I managed to arrive at the world of Shapes, I opened my notebook and typed: “Dear God…” wondering if I can still communicate with God verbally. A familiar voice said: “Dear Marie, didn’t you want to get closer to me? This is the closest you can get. Please rest. After adjusting to the transformation, you will be able to see all that is with incredible clarity.” “How can I talk to that which is not?” asked my mind, so used to traveling on one way roads. “Didn’t I tell you that I am Everything and Nothing?” the voice continued, as I was shutting down my notebook. “You did,” I answered. “Now I know what it means.”
I looked around. The world of Shapes seemed to be incredibly perfect: nothing was perceived as beautiful or ugly, new or old. Every Shape appeared to be a miracle, a celebration of Life, created of the same matter…
Marie
