September 8, 2008
"She cannot jump onto the sofa," my friend said, observing the attempts of her precious dog to get on the sofa. "I always help her," she continued. "Why would she make an effort to jump if she knows that you will lift her?" I asked. My friend looked at me skeptically. The dog was surprised when her complaints went unnoticed and eventually decided to jump higher and land on the sofa.
A lady in her forties shared her story with me: she wanted to leave her handicapped husband, which she stopped loving about 20 years ago. She was struggling with her decision because she felt guilty leaving someone who was fully dependent on her. She was truly desperate and had suicidal thoughts.
At the time they married her husband already had a disability, but was able to deal with it independently. A professional doctor, my patient started helping her partner as much as she could. After a while his condition worsened and he was permanently constrained to a wheelchair. Her dedication and hard work did not make him appreciate her – just the opposite. He became a bitter, angry person, sharing his unbeneficial energies with the woman who was taking care of him.
When the woman understood that she was handicapping herself by staying with him, she was ready to make a change. She finally asked for a divorce and moved out. The man became so mad at his ex-wife that he decided to prove to her that he was able to take care of himself. He hired a personal trainer, and about half a year after their divorce, he didn’t need the wheelchair any longer.
Many people believe that they have to suffer in order to make their loved ones (or even those they don't love) happy. Our society encourages us to be "good people" and do "good deeds". This encouragement of self-sacrifice starts as early as kindergarten.
When I started teaching kids yoga, I purchased a book which incorporated yoga poses with storytelling. The first story in the book was from India and was called “The rabbit in the Moon.” The story was about a group of animals who happily lived in the forest. One day, a rabbit, who was “a very special being, radiating love”, encouraged the other animals to share something with a person who comes to the forest. The monkey decided to offer bananas, the elephant thought of helping the person cool down by sprinkling water. Only the rabbit didn’t know what to share. “My friends have so many wonderful things to offer that humans like. Rabbits eat grass and I don’t think humans will like grass very much… I've heard humans love rabbit meat. That’s it! I will build a fire and give myself to the humans to eat.” When his time came and the rabbit jumped into the flames, he was saved by God, who said: “You have done a great, fearless, and unselfish thing that should be an example to all others!” And so, we learn to burn ourselves in the fire in order to feed others, hoping that we are doing good deeds, appreciated by God.
In the process of my spiritual growth, I realized that burning myself in a fire in order to feed others neither taught them to love themselves, nor made them appreciate me. If anything, it prevented them from growing and experiencing their power, and supported victim thinking on both ends. So when somebody lovingly offers me to jump into the fire, I think of a quotation from the Healing God book: “You cannot love someone by giving up on yourself. Your life is only about you, Marie, for you are the one who is living it. When your life becomes about you, you will become happy. When you become happy, it will extend to everybody around you, and you will achieve true happiness for your loved ones.”
Love,
Marie
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